Controversial Opinions on Feminism

The title says it all really. I am aware that this is going to upset a few people, but please respect my views and opinions, just like I respect yours.

I have been feeling that I need to explain my opinions for quite a while now, but have been afraid to voice them because of fear that I'll upset all of the feminism fans out there. Is that what feminism stands for? Being afraid to voice opinions?

I have noticed while scrolling through BuzzFeed and Facebook that feminism is becoming a massive deal. 

To be honest, I think the time for feminism has passed. #controversial. 

I'm not saying that I don't believe in gender equality. However, back in the 1900s when feminists first raised their voices, women of that time could not work and could not vote. We can luckily do both of these things now thanks to those women who sacrificed so much.

I recently shared this link: 11 Things That Are Supposed To Happen On Real Dates That Don't Anymore on my Facebook page the other day. A good friend of mine said that it was gender stereotyping and that I should take flowers on a first date.

I believe the opposite. I think men should be chivalrous. I am a very traditional person. Is that so wrong? Why is it gender-stereotyping if I agree with everything in that article? 

What do you consider gender-stereotyping? I don't agree that all women should be in the kitchen, but I also don't want men to stop being polite, or men to stop buying me drinks at the bar just because "they don't want to bought into the stereotype of believing that women can't buy their own drinks". I know someone who refuses to be bought anything by a man. What if he wants to buy her something? She is degrading him by not allowing him.  

Another friend of mine once asked me "why do you wear so much make up and high heels all the time?"

She asked if I felt like I had to wear make up. What sort of a ridiculous time do we live in if people begin to question the things that make me feel good. I wear make up because I like expressing myself and enhancing my features. It also gives me half an hour every morning for some Me Time. I wear heels because I am short. 

I have been judged by my feminist friends because they found out that I would like a traditional wedding. Y'know, one with the big white poofy dress in a church with people wearing massive hats. Surely it's against the "feminism code" or whatnot to not respect my views?

And does it not work the other way? When we see a picture of a half-naked woman, people think it's degrading. However a half-naked man is considered eye candy. Is there going to be a rise of "masculists" who feel that the men in this world are being degraded and are not treated fairly?

People bring feminism into situations where it is not needed. I have discussed with many people various characters from books that the author "portrayed in a sexist manner." What if that's just the way the character is? So what if it's a woman who enjoys baking? So what if she gave up her job to raise her child? 

In real life, the choice of a woman to leave her job and to raise her child is a very personal one, and therefore should not be attacked by the feminist views out there.

In conclusion, I am all for gender equality. However, I don't believe in feminism. 

Feel free to discuss anything I have written in the comments, I would welcome any other points of view. :)

Socialising Antisocially?!

source: Pinterest

It has come to my attention recently, that many people feel the need to be on their phones at the same time as spending time with friends.

Let me give you an example:
A few years ago, I met up with a very close friend of mine for the day. I hadn't seen her for a while, so I was really looking forward to spending the day catching up and having a good gossip. She then spent the entire day texting her boyfriend. I felt really......what's the word...... put out. I had made the effort to put the whole day aside for her, but she couldn't do the same for me. What was the point of her even bothering to see me if she was glued to her phone the entire time?

I can't help but wonder, are phones more important to people than their friends?

I work as a waitress in a little seaside restaurant, in a small village in Pembrokeshire. I have noticed through the many hours I've spent there, that so many families sit in silence while they are all gazing at the little screens, that have taken over our lives. Not only that, but many of these families ask me "do you have wifi here?" Our wifi has a reputation of being a little temperamental, but what surprises me is the look of disappointment on the face of the asker at the thought of having to spend the entire evening speaking to their parents.

I mean, God forbid you have to have an actual conversation face-to-face while you're on a family holiday.

I know I have touched on this subject before, with my Look Up  post a few months back, but for some reason, this subject is very close to my heart, and I do not understand why people feel the need to spend the quality face-to-face time they should be having with one person, glued to the piece of plastic in their hands speaking to another.

If I had a boyfriend, and I was spending the day with people that I loved, I would tell him that and if he doesn't understand that, then frankly, he shouldn't be in my life. I think it's controlling, unhealthy and possibly damaging the relationship to be in a constant conversation for all hours of the day. What left do you have to talk about when you see each other?

Obviously, I do see the benefits of mobile phones and being able to reach someone instantaneously. Emergencies, for example. "Help, can you get this spider out of my room please?!" (A genuine text I have sent....)

Does anyone else agree with me here? Am I the only one?

Returning from the Undead

I know this title is a little exaggerated....but that's what it feels like!

I mentioned over a MONTH ago that I wanted to blog more..... that totally happened didn't it.

Life happened. Life got in the way. I've been away on orchestra. I've been working. I've been exhausted. I've been sorting my life out before I pack it all up and move to Prague.

It's been difficult. And scary.

I've been coping in the usual ways; you know, eating lots of ice cream, going to the gym and burying my head in the sand and pretending nothing is happening. All very healthy ways of coping with stress (not). But seriously though, things are beginning to come together. I have a flat to live, I'm speaking to people who are also going, and I'm slowly but surely learning the language.

I'm scared, but it's ok to be scared. Good things happen when one pushes themselves out of their comfort zone. And that's what I'm doing. Good things will happen and I will learn a lot.

I've missed writing on here, and I actually wrote when I was feeling at my most down and most stressed out, but I decided against it. I strive for positivity on here, in my writing and in my life. I was feeling anything but, HOWEVER, I feel like I've come out the other side feeling stronger and more determined for a challenge than ever.

Lots of love to you all and thanks for being so patient with me. xxx

Things That Make Me Happy

 I woke up this morning in a foul mood. Don't know why, but I was all (as the welsh say) cyntachu. There is no translation for that word. Sorry.
I did nothing differently this morning, but nothing seemed to be going right.

So I thought I'd make a list of all the small day-to-day things I am grateful for, and the things that give me pleasure in life:

my favourite shower gel | reading | oboe | playing something right | late night phone calls | cwtches | cute texts | dinner with friends | film nights | exploring new places | tidy rooms | my harry potter t-shirt | listening to music | having me-time | baking | fancy dress | food | knitting | yoga | writing letters | receiving letters | doing right in the world | little victories | family time | travelling | my hair looking good without effort | finding bargains in charity shops | chivalry | tea | smiling | disney | bubble baths | parcels | cinema trips | smell of pages | cats

view from my kitchen

Possibly the coolest cat ever

What makes you happy? :)

Small Things That Might Change Your Life

While doing my usual daily readings of the blogs I follow on Bloglovin, a theme appeared in a few posts, which was How To Be Happy or something similar. It was talking about the little things that you can do to make you feel a little more positive, or if you're simply stuck in a rut. The two posts that really stuck out for me were this one from one of my favourite blogs; Pretty Chit Chat, and this one by Zoella.

Over the past year I've discovered that doing lots of little things has had a complete change on my outlook and quality of my life. There have been numerous ups and downs (boys, pals, work, oboe, pretty much everything) but I thought I'd share with you some of the things that I found really useful when I felt I was stuck.

• YOGA - I cannot stress how important I find this. If its sunny, I like to go outside and practice there. Each position has a different meaning, and if you're really suffering from being stuck in the rut of life, the inverted positions will help you gain new perspective on things. Doing yoga in the morning is a gentle way to wake the body up, and the fluidity of the movement can help you Flow throughout the day. 

• MAKE UP - My friends would probably be able to tell you guys how much money time I like to spend on my face. It sounds really stupid, but I felt that when I bought new make up, I could almost paint on a new me in the morning. I really enjoy putting on my face, I can express my mood and feelings. Sometimes if I'm in a particularly bad mood in the morning, I'll put on bright eye make up and it really does make a difference. I find it soothing, relaxing, and it's the perfect bit of me-time to begin the day (after yoga, of course!!)

• HEALTHY DIET - I know, this is one of those things that everyone keeps talking about. Seriously though, I used to be one of the the most fussiest eaters of all time. Trying new foods and recipes really helped me overcome that, but I have found that since getting rid of junk food and refined sugars, and I've started eating more fruit, veg, healthy substitutions to puddings and drinking more water, not only have I lost weight, but my skin is clearer, I have a lot more energy, and I simply feel much better in myself. I am a strong believer in you are what you eat. 

• READING - Read whatever you want. Fiction, non-fiction, sci-fi, horror, whatever it is, believe me, it's better than sitting in front of a screen all day. Reading feeds the mind, and it allows you to get lost in so many different worlds, and you get to meet more people than you could ever imagine in these different worlds. Each book takes you on a journey. So why not begin now?

• STOP COMPLAINING - This really was a tough one for me, I mean, I am honestly never happier than if I have something to complain about. But complaining is negative, and we're trying to focus on keeping positive. So stop it. If you're in work and you're thinking "ooooh my feet hurt, I want to go home" instead think about how much money you've earned that shift, or something. This one does take time, because it involves changing habits and thought processes.

• GET OUT - On a bike. For a walk. On a run. Bungee jump. Travel. Whatever, just go. Going outside will help you be able to clear your head and it will get you away from sitting slumped in front of the computer mindlessly scrolling down Facebook for absolutely no reason.

• TREAT YOURSELF - There is nothing wrong with a little treat. If you have read the Chimp Paradox you will understand that your inner chimp often needs rewarding. Little treats now and then are great. If you think you deserve that pair of dungarees you've been lusting after, then go for it. Try not to abuse the treating though. Then it won't be a treat anymore, will it?

• GET RID - Someone or something making you miserable? Get rid of them. Why should you in your happy little bubble be allowing someone/something else to get you down? I know, easier said than done, but trust me, getting rid of the negative influences in your life works wonders.

• CLEANSING ENERGY - I was very sceptical when Mother first suggested I'd do this, but I went along with it any way. I can't explain how much better the energy of my bedroom was. If you spend a lot of time in one room, then it might be worth researching the different ways to cleanse the energy and to rid the room of the stagnant, murky, negative energy that has collected over the months/years. It will help you sleep, work, and feel better when you're in that environment again.   

I hope these help, even just a little. Let me know in the comments what small changes you do to make your life a more positive and happy place to be :) 

Self Esteem

They say that if you were to walk past yourself in the street, you wouldn't recognise yourself. Everyone has a very distorted image of themselves. I didn't believe this, until I saw this photo:

Its not a special photo. I'm frowning for goodness sake. It's me accidentally in a piccie that Mother was taking of an old car at a vintage car convention down on our local beach just after I had got home for the summer. I had just thrown some clothes on that I thought was fairly suitable to be seen in and put my hair up in a messy bun. I hadn't seen these photos until about a week ago when Mother was showing them to a family friend....I was looking and all of a sudden I blurted out "omg that' s me!!"

I didn't recognise myself.

I have mentioned in a past post that I am happy with the way I look. I am, most of the time. Some days I think urgh I look so fat or why are my arms so flabby? or even I've been going to the gym for ages, I can't see any changes! but just because I have bad days doesn't mean I'm not confident with the way I look. It has taken me years and years for me to get to this place. I haven't like the way I looked since the age of about 11 when I started secondary school. It didn't help that I was such a fussy eater that I only ate junk food. If someone said that I looked beautiful, I didn't believe them because I thought that they had to say it.
Even when at the age of 16 when I lost so much weight and I dropped down to 7st 8, I still thought I looked too fat. It was a really unhealthy relationship with my body and with myself.

Now, however, I've been working out, I've been going to the gym for about a year, doing various different exercises (yoga, tai chi, weight lifting, running, cycling, swimming....) and I've come to like my body.

BUT

I feel that in today's society, so many people don't like the way they look, that I am almost afraid of saying that I look and feel good in the fear of someone thinking that I think too much of myself or something. I realised recently that in the past, I felt like I couldn't like the way I looked. 

Think of it like this: if you've worked really hard on a painting, then you're obviously going to be proud of it and you're going to want to show it to others and tell people, aren't you? It's the same with me, it's not as if I'm going to start running around naked, but why should I put myself down, after years of doing so, when I'm proud of all the hours I've spent at the gym?

When I look in the mirror, I no longer look at my flaws, I brush past them. I see hard work that I've been putting in is starting to pay off. I look at what is good about me, what I think others might like about me, and best of all, when I get dressed, I accentuate my features.

If you're walking down the street, you don't see people and think "oooh their arms are a little flabby" or "urgh they're clearly having a fat day today" do you? (if you do, then...um....not really sure where to go from here.....) You're more likely to think "wow, look at their bum, that's a great bum" or "their hair is so shiney", right?

Why don't you do that about yourself?

Harri's Wondrous World????

"What is this new name?" you may be asking. I've decided to make some changes to my blog. I've been wanting to do it for a while, as I hated "of Mice, Men and Musicians". I chose it because I thought it sounded cool after reading it somewhere. Of course at the time, I didn't know what I wanted from doing this, so I just put it down to have something. I also realised fairly early on that this blog wasn't ever going to have anything to do with music. Don't get me wrong, it's a massive part of my life and I love it, but for me, I like to have some things that are separate to music. I don't want to be the type of person that can only be defined by one thing.

And if you're wondering, I have based it on a track from the Harry Potter soundtrack. But hey, I'm a massive fan! I simply could not resist. Think about it too, my posts are from my head, and you do get to have an insight into the world in which I'm living (which is pretty wondrous, even if I may say so myself!)

I've been thinking now for quite a few months now, that I would like to take my blog a little further. I began this blog as a way to structure the thoughts in my head. Sometimes I have so many ideas and opinions going round my mind I don't know what to do with them. I guess it's a form of creative outlet. And my blog is mine. It is my space to voice the things in my head.

I've spoken about the change in my life quite a few times, and I guess that a change in my little online space is fitting? Hopefully over the summer I'm going to give it a little bit more of an overhaul to make it look a little better. (Once I figure out how to do that......)

I'd like to try and write a little more often now. Next year I'm hopefully going to be travelling, experiencing new things and going on adventures. So I'll easily have lots to write about, however over the summer, I have lots of time to think and to organise my thoughts (and also to go on adventures!)

This has been a bit of a ramble-y post, but yeah, I'm still here, I'll hopefully be here a little more often, but just a well-needed change. I'm proud of myself for creating this little outlet, but man, I hated the name more than I can say.

Changed for the Better

I'm currently (attempting) to pack up my room, as another year in college is over, and it's soon time for me to move back home for the summer, before embarking on my brand new adventure next year.

Anyways, I can't help but to reflect on the past year. So much has happened, and I really feel like I have grown as a person.

If you knew me this time last year, I was a shell of a person, I was in such an unreachable, dark place. I was having panic attacks every other day, I'd pushed all of my friends away and they thought I was going mental. I laugh about it now.

I have made amazing friends this year, as well as become much closer to some that I already knew. I realised early on that I could hand-pick everyone in my life, which gave me a massive sense of control over those who influenced me. Each and every person in my life right now each has their personal little hand print on my life and the person I am right now. I admire each of them in their own way, whether it being due to their faith, their ability to always pick themselves up, their strength, their ability to always make friends, their infinite amount of wisdom, and the little ways they show they care. I'm not going to name names, but they all hopefully know who they are. I am so blessed to have them in my life, and I wouldn't wish to have it other way.

Also, as I mentioned above, I feel like I've grown so much as a person this year. I am not afraid what others think of me, as I absolutely do not believe in changing myself for other people. My confidence is at an all time high, and I think this has had an affect on my work, playing and relationships with others. I am finally happy for the first time in my life with the way my body looks. I've been looking after it and I've been going to the gym so much more. I think this is the first time in my life I have ever been okay with the way I look, and so it just shows how much my mindset has changed for the better this year.

I am just really happy at the moment, and I am so excited to see where my life takes me. This may be a little ramble-y and not really making much sense, but I just wanted to share with you guys how happy I am with where I am in life. I finally have some sort of direction now, whereas before I was just wandering aimlessly in the giant world. I have a goal that I'm working towards for my post-college life, and although those closest to me know what it is, I'll share with the rest of you at a later date, as it is still something quite personal to me and I'd like to share it when I know more for definite.

There are some things that I'm not currently happy with in my life (a lack of a love life........sigh), but the things that are happening at the moment really make up for it. I do still get little panic attacks, and I have my off days where I just eat chocolate and pig out and cry in front of The Notebook, but that's just normal, right?

Been a while....

My dear readers, I believe this is the longest I have gone without writing my inner-most thoughts and feelings upon my web-log. Alas, I have my reasons, some of which will become clear in the not too distant future.

No, but seriously, I've been having a severe case of writers block. I tried, honestly I did. Every other day I'd sit down ready to tap away at my keyboard, but I'd open up a new page, and nothing would come out. Or if it did, it was sheer garbage. If I could, I would have ripped up the virtual page on which I am writing, thrown it in a bin and burnt it.

I've had a lot of things on my mind recently, and writing, for me, is a way to organise some of the things that have been racing around my head. I enjoy it, it's calming. The power of words never fails to astonish me, but recently, I felt that nothing was on my side.

I just believe that with a recital looming around the corner, trying to eat healthily (chocolate is a definite weakness....), so many essays needed to be handed in, blogging stresses, reed stresses, going to the gym, practising, my pathetic excuse of a love life (oh, the hardship of being a 20 year old singleton, woe is me), and on top of all of that trying to get my head around the fact that I'm moving to a different country next year. I shall do a whole other blog post on this once everything is sorted. I thought it was but now there's another complication. Excellent. So many things have been happening in my life, but at the same time, nothing has really been happening.

I find this term very difficult, as we're sort of left to our own devices, I guess, and I'm not very good at doing that. I'm the sort of person that, unless my heart is completely in something, I need a good prod to keep me on track and not to get drifted off into the world of "I'm going to plan a holiday that I'm never going to be able to afford".

So anyway, I'm currently at home at the back of beyond in Wales, just to have a change of scenery, and hopefully I'll be feeling much more clear headed and focused when I return to the Land of the Manc.

I apologise for this long and rambly post, I know it's not the sort of post I usually do, but hey, you can't always get what you want in the world can you?

P.S. I'm going to try and be a bit better with my blogging. I mean, 20 days not writing anything is a bit naughty, isn't it?

Look Up - A Response

This video basically sums up and puts into words how I have been feeling about today's generation. My closest friends already know that I very strongly dislike what technology has done to us as a society.

It bothers me that it is practically a social norm to text Person A while talking face to face with Person B. I personally think it's rude. It's exactly the same as sitting having a cup of coffee with someone and stopping mid-sentence, turning your back on them and start having another conversation with someone else. We all do it, I know I do, but I've recently become concious of when I do it, and now that I'm aware, it makes me uncomfortable when I reply to a text while I should be giving a friend my full attention or vice versa.

Whatever happened to writing letters? I am an avid letter writer. If I have taken the time to sit and write a letter to my friends, why can't they do the same for me? Or I get an acknowledgement of the letter on facebook, but no reply. Not even a long message in reply to my letter. It's not hard, yes it will cost you (at most) 62p for a first class stamp, but it's so much more personal, and think of the smile that you will put on your friend's face when they see that letter for them in the post. I wish people would write more letters. You can keep letters, put them in a special box, or put them up on your wall. You can't do that with facebook messages and texts.

I also don't understand why people feel the need to document their life. I know, ironic, I'm saying this on a blog, for people to read, on the internet.....but when was the last time you went for a day out and didn't take loads of photos with the sole purpose of uploading them straight onto facebook/instagram/twitter when you got home? I upload a lot of photos, I know I do, but I also have lots and lots of photos on my phone that make me smile that I haven't put up. Of course I see the positives of having a facebook profile - networking, keeping in contact with friends that live far away, organising last minute trips etc, but don't you think it's a bit sad when people feel the need to share what they're doing rather than sit back and enjoy the moment they are living and creating new memories?

Here's a funny story: I got a friend request recently, and I was sat around people when I received the request. It was someone a couple of years above me at College. One of my friends genuinely said "oh, you can't reply yet, you'll look too keen." Excuse me? Do people really think into social networking so much that the time taken to accept a friend request was analysed? Did they really think "oh man, that was one fast request, she must be super eager"? I hope not! What does that say about today's generation?

Phone calls? Anyone? Remember them? When was the last time you called someone out of the blue, just for a chat, and not to see where they are, or can they please bring in milk on the way home? Phone calls are not restricted to your Significant Other, as I have noticed that people in relationships spend a lot more time on the phone to each other compared to those who are not involved within the relationship. I'm most definitely not saying spend less time on the phone to them, I'm saying spend all the time on the phone to lots of different people! The other day, I felt down and I called one of my closest friends and she made me feel better. There's no way that she would have been able to make me feel better just by text or over facebook.

I try, every day, to spend an hour away from all things comprising of social media, and in that hour I am itching to check my phone for the first, I don't know, 20 minutes? But after that, it's quite nice, I get things done, I read my book, I listen to music, I sit down and watch an episode of Once Upon A Time. It's so nice to sit and not worry about what other people are doing in their lives. When was the last time you turned your phone off, and just watched something? I genuinely believe that social media websites such as facebook and twitter are making us as a society very antisocial and we are getting twisted and distorted views of other people's way of life. We tend to only post about when we're feeling happy, because if you're feeling sad people might think you're craving attention.

Immerse yourself in the things around you. When you feel bored, and you can feel yourself itching to know what's going on in the world, pick up the newspaper. Or phone a friend you haven't spoken to in a while. Or write a letter or an email. Listen to an audio-book and knit. Tidy your room. Paint. Dance around your room with your friends. And don't snapchat it. Bake some cookies. Seriously, if only one person who reads this does just one of these things, I will be one step closer to making the world a happier and relaxed place.

Romantic Expectations

It has recently come to my attention that I think I may have fairly high expectations of the male gender. You know why this is? Chick flicks. And Disney.

I was sat watching What Happens in Vegas the other day, you know, the one with Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher (who is mighty fine in that film, I'd like to add), and as in every chick flick, darling Ashton upsets Cameron and she goes running off to sit on an island and he goes running after her. I don't think that happens in real life. I've never had Ashton Kutcher come running after me when I'm feeling a little sad.... I WISH. But seriously, every time a boy has upset me, or has broken up with me, there is a little part of me that hopes and dreams and wishes that he will come and do a great big Romantic Gesture. And he never has.

I remember when my first proper boyfriend and I broke up, he told me months later that he regretted the decision as soon as he woke up the next morning, and I told him that there was nothing I wanted more than to hear a knock on the door and to see his face. He told me that there were some days he just wanted to get on a bus to see me and to beg for my forgiveness. But he didn't. (If you're reading this....it's ok, I forgive you!!!!)

Take my sixth-form May Ball for example. I went to an all girls school, but the May Ball was for the students of my school and the boys school down the road. I wasn't particularly close with any of the guys to be honest, but there was still a little part of me that hoped and dreamed that when I arrived at the reception area there'd be a boy standing there with a corsage for me and declaring his undying love. It didn't happen.

Or, you know, everyone has that person who is a friend, but sort of more than a friend, as you can definitely sort of see something maybe happening with them, but you're not really sure how they feel (great English there, Harri). Well, I'm just saying that it would be nice if they announced in a lovely heart-warming manner that they feel the same about you. It will probably never happen.

I don't know why I bring about these expectations and hopes and dreams upon myself, because at the end of the day, no one is going to get hurt except me. Is it too much to ask though, to have one boy to do something really romantic and throw pebbles at my window, or to come find me if I was on holiday in Berlin or somewhere, or even plan out this great big surprise visit with all my friends and when I walk through the door they pick me up and announce that what he did was wrong, and he's sorry etc, like they do in the films.

I'm a complete hopeless romantic, I'm totally in love with the idea of true love, and I believe that my soul mate is walking around right now, maybe thinking these thoughts too. Perhaps I've already met them. That thought is really thrilling. I would be willing to do all of those things that I've listed above, but there's one thing that holds me back. The fear of rejection. Can you imagine, if I went to a lot of trouble to tell someone how I'm feeling and they turned around and said "Harri, I don't feel the same, but I hope we can stay friends". It's as if someone would have stabbed me in the heart, and just twisted the knife around to make sure that it hurt real good. Maybe people have had these thoughts about me, but aren't sure whether to act upon it.

If you have these ideas, or want to tell someone how you feel, then please, just do it. More often than not, the other person will really appreciate it, and they will hopefully reciprocate those feelings.

I don't know, maybe it's me, maybe I've watched one too many films, listened to too many musicals, sang too much Taylor Swift, read too many books and have this unrealistic expectation of men. Or maybe, this is what I'd like to believe - I just haven't met the right boy yet.

(I've also just realised that this may backfire and no boy will ever want anything to do with me ever again because they'll believe that they'll never live up to my expectations. To be honest, unless you're a perfect mix of Harry Potter, Peeta Mellark, Captain Antonio Corelli and Mr Fitzwilliam Darcy, Kristoff from Frozen or Eugene Fitzherbert, you won't, but please don't let that put you off.)

Stalk-ception

You know when you've been stalking someone on facebook for a little too long? (We all do it, don't sit there and pretend that you don't know what I'm talking about.) You've looked through all that person's photos, scrolled down their timeline back to 2008.....ok, maybe I'm exaggurating, but I get a strange....let's call it a revelation...if I've been looking at someone's face for a little bit too long. Especially if I haven't seen or spoken to that person in a while. 

I get a strange thought process that goes through my head. If I were to map it out, it would go something like this: 

• Oh hey, that's a nice photo
• Aww, that's cute
• Oh look a cute kitten
• Their hair looks a little odd, but whatever, they're only human
• Wait, they're human
• Like, this is an actual person
• I used to KNOW this person
• I wonder if they're voice sounds the same
• Oh look, a photo of us....from 2011....
• Like, this is me and them together. WE USED TO KNOW EACHOTHER.
• What are they like now?
• This person isn't just a person in photos, like this is an actual person
• An actual person with feelings
• And an actual life
• Wow
• I wonder if they ever think of me

At this point I tend to have weird-ed myself out and have had to close the facebook tab. I can't even put into words my thought process. It only happens every now and then, and it tends to only happen if I haven't seen them or I am no longer speaking to them. 

I was just wondering if anyone else gets these strange, head-messing, thoughts when looking at someone. No? Just me? Great. 

Phobias

Phobias. We all claim to have one. But what exactly is a phobia?

The Oxford dictionary definition is: 

However, how do you tell the difference between a normal little fear to a Phobia? I personally, don't like spiders. I hate them, loathe them, despise of them, and hope that one day they all die out. It's not unheard of for me to go sleep in the room next door because I saw a spider crawl under my bed and therefore cannot sleep. Is that a phobia? Do I suffer from arachnophobia? Or is it just a little inconvenience? 

I also rather dislike small enclosed spaces. I feel uncomfortable if I am in a small space, for example, a cave. Hate caves. Can't go in them, one of the reasons being that I have an irrational fear of them collapsing. The likelihood of this actually happening is very slim, I have never experienced it, and I know perfectly well that they've been standing for thousands of years. So why am I afraid of them? When I was younger I was uncomfortable when standing under a bridge. For the same reason: incase it falls down. Do I have a phobia of things collapsing? Or is it a fear? Or is it just the over-active imagination of a child, and I have just associated these objects with these thoughts? 

If you often read my blogs, you will know that I went to Norway last week. This involved flying on a plane. I really don't like taking off. I hate it when the plane suddenly speeds up and you're glued to your seat and then the jolt as it leaves the ground and then when they turn corners and the you're looking down at the world beneath you. Yeurgh. I did discover, that I am mostly alright for the flight, only when I forget that I'm on a plane. "How can you forget you're on a plane?" I can hear you sneering from here. Like, when you get really into a book or you have a nap or you watch a film. When I am aware I'm on a plane, I think these thoughts: if anything were to happen there is no way of getting out. You can't run away, and you have to face these enevitable death which comes in the form of falling to the ground in a plane. I begin to panic slightly.

I see phobias like this. If you can live with them and you they don't have that much of an impact on your life? Then it's not a phobia. If you can't, if you, like me, feel the need to leave your bed because you'd rather sleep somewhere else because of a possibility of a spider being under it? That's not healthy. I know I have a deep irrational fear of a cave collapsing, and not being able to be free. What is I am afraid of? Is it the actual cave? Is it the collapsing? Or is it the possibility of it collapsing and then not being able to get out? If it is the third one, then that can be linked to my fear of flying. I wouldn't say that I'm afraid of flying. I am willing to go through it in order to travel to new places. If I couldn't fly at all, that's when I have a phobia. 

Do you see? A phobia isn't a set thing. It is a mixture of different things that can sort of be analysed. This can then help you conquer your fears/phobias if you feel the need to.

To put it simply: do you have aluchophobia (a fear of darkness), or are you afraid of what is in the dark?

Please feel free to comment and tell me what your phobias are, and what you think of my opinions. 

The End of a Relationship

What I don't understand about the end of a relationship is that it is almost expected in today's society to break up and then to never talk to each other again. Full stop. The end.

That is not how I think it should be. In today's society, it's almost considered weird when two people break up and stay friends. But if you think about it, it makes so much more sense that way. Surely, you'd think that two people who care(d) so much about each other, would still care about the other at some level, even after the relationship is over. In the very wise words of Carrie Bradshaw "But if you love somone and you break up, where does all the love go?". Couldn't have put it better myself.

How is it that two people who were once, at some point, the other's world, their everything, can you go from telling each other everything one day, breaking up the next, and then never speaking to them? That's the part I find the hardest. Its the fact that they were willing to open up to them and tell them every single little thing, and then breaking up, knowing that the other knew all these things about them.

If you break up badly, and don't talk it through properly, then the after effects can be messy which then causes people to never speak again ever. Full stop. The end. This may result in one half of the party telling some of their friends the things that they told them in confidence, and the other half would find out. That's messy. In my opinion, it really isn't needed.

I've had my fair share of messy breakups, but I remember, at the end of my first relationship when I was 14, (despite it not being the most serious relationship ever), we stayed friends and although we both needed our space for a few months, when he found out that someone wasn't being very nice to me, I remember him being so angry and texting me to make sure that I was alright. He even helped me through my first messy break up. We've grown apart now, but that I am ever thankful to him for not making my life difficult.

As mentioned before, after my first messy breakup which was dragged out over months and months and despite it ending up with the both of us blocking the other on facebook, we're good pals now! We didn't speak for about 8 or 9 months, and I remember I found him on tumblr, and I thought I'd say hello. We stayed up all night that night, talking about our lives and the reasons why our relationship had ended, and since then, although we're not close, we still talk. (Hi, if you're reading.....) It's not even a little bit weird, and I feel completely comfortable going to him if I have an issue, because although he might not be the person who knows me the best now, he was at one point.

I just find it really upsetting when someone says they regret a relationship, or they break up really badly, because:

1. never regret anything. I am a strong believer that all your experiences, good or bad, shape who you are at this very moment. Instead of usnig the word "regret" try using the word "learnt". If you believe that you regret something, try thinking about what you learnt, and how you can use that past experience to your advantage in the future.
2. If you're mature enough to be in a relationship, you can be mature enough to deal with the emotional consequences of both parties if/when you break up. It's all over the TV that you feel like you have to 'take sides'. Why not take a step back, look at the relationship and the other person from an outsider's point of view, and think "how can I make this better?", or "if my friends were in this situation, what advice would I give them?" or even put yourself in your other half's shoes, and try to understand why they're behaving how they are. Are they angry at you? Do they still love you? Are they trying to move on with their life and you're stopping them? 

Although, you can't force anyone into thinking this way. Through experiencing my own break ups, and observing others, usually, it takes both parties having a similar outlook on the end of the relationship to remain friends and to not let the fact that you may not want to kiss and cuddle any more, but that they are still there for you as a friend. 

A Wonder in the Park

I went for a walk today, for a few reasons:

1. To get me out of the house
2. To cheer me up
3. To find inspiration about what to write about.

I've been somewhat lacking in inspiration recently as I've been so busy what with technicals and erasmus applications that I haven't had any time to think. Since Friday night, I've probably slept around 10 hours every night, so I seem to think that my body needed a rest. 

The past month has been so hectic, it was nice to spend some quality Me-Time and have some time alone with my thoughts, with only the birds for company. 

I think that Me-Time is something that more people should take advantage of. Even if it is going for a walk for 20 minutes by yourself, or even just sitting down in your room and just switch off. It can clear out your head, perhaps making some decisions you've been umm-ing and ahh-ing about recently. In this day of age, we're so reliant on technology and our lives are so quick, with our smartphones pinging us every time we have an email, or having the news at our fingertips. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't live without my ipad, but there are days, like today, where I leave all things technological at home and just take some time out. It can make you feel refreshed and ready to take on your next challenge (or in my case, completely worn out cause I walked about 3 miles, and I'm not feeling 100%. Hence why I needed cheering up). 

Anyways, my walk. About a 15 minute walk from my house is Fletcher Moss Botanical Gardens. I hadn't planned on going there today, but as I was having a wonder around the charity shops in the village centre anyway, I figured I should go down and poke my nose in and see what all the fuss was about. It didn't disappoint. The photos above are of the gardens, and the smells coming from the flowers were amazing. There is no way I could go in the summer, as I would be coughing, spluttering and sneezing all over the place due to hay fever. So today was the perfect day to go. After looking around the main part of the gardens, I went to have a wonder around the field behind and found the river Mersey. I strolled my way along that before finding a road and eventually finding my way home. There was a great big cloud behind me the whole time, and I tried my best to be home before it started raining, but around 10 minutes from my front door, the heavens opened. 

You're probably thinking "why are you describing your walk?" Well, I wanted to share this experience. The experience of this walk being my inspiration to write when I've had writers block for the past couple of days. I've tried hard to sit down and write something, anything, that came into my head. I read through them all and deleted them because they were so awful. I've been tired, cyntachu (a welsh word...no idea what the translation is), and demotivated. This walk helped me find the words to write and has given me ideas to think about. 

I hope you can find some time in your busy lives to just sit. Or walk. Or run. Or make candles. Or do whatever you do. Without the tv on or music playing. Just do nothing for a while, and see where your contemplations and reflections take you.

What If?

Do you ever stop and think "how did my life lead me here?" I do. 

I wonder what my life would be like if my Parents hadn't of moved me to Wales at the age of 4. I definitely wouldn't be speaking Welsh. Would I still be doing music? Who knows. I might have stuck with doing languages, but would I be any good with them even though I didn't speak Welsh?

What if I hadn't of fallen off the beam when I was 7? Would I have carried on doing gymnastics? I could have been training for the Olympics. I certainly started young enough. Then I may not have done music at all as I would have been too busy swinging off the bar or jumping off the vault.

What if I had never picked up the oboe? Would I still be attempting (badly) the violin because I didn't know that there was another instrument calling to me. I probably would have studied something different in university. I may be reading a serious subject like history, or studying to be a medic. Who knows.

What if my Parents hadn't of moved me to France at the age of 10? Would I still have the itchy feet that want to lead me onto an adventure? Would I have just stayed being a homebody, simply because the seed of different cultures hadn't been planted?

What if I had gone to a girls school at the age of 12, like I had originally planned. I would never have become such good friends with the people in my music service. I would never have had the relationships I did, but would I have branched out from the girls school bubble? Who knows.

What if I had decided to stay in my comprehensive school for sixth form? Would I have made it to music college? Probably not. I would be a completely different person. I probably wouldn't have got the grades I wanted to get into university as I wouldn't have worked as hard as I did. I may have gone travelling the world, or stayed at home and started a business. 

What if I had decided to go to a different Music College? I would be surrounded by different people, living in a different city, and have a different teacher. Would I have thrived or would I have hated it so much I quit?

What about the smaller stuff? Would my life have taken a slightly different course if I had decided to have an apple instead of a banana with my lunch yesterday? 

Let's look bigger now, look at the most successful people who have ever lived. What if Steve Jobs had never started Apple? What if Walt Disney hadn't of been rejected from a magazine for "laimagination"? Imagine a world without Apple or Disney. I wouldn't be sat in College writing this on my ipad because it wouldn't exist, and what film would I have watched last night if Tangled had never been written?

Thinking of all the 'What Ifs' in your life can make someone go mad. I'm beginning to go a bit doolally thinking about it all. However, every single one of these paths were determined by choices. Nothing about your life is out of your control, and every tiny choice you make has an effect on the way you live. So maybe next time you're faced with a difficult decision, plan the different lives that your choices can take you. If you begin to feel that you'd constantly be thinking "What If", then do it. Why not? The most important thing is that you don't live life with any regrets, so that when you're old you can look back fondly the path your choices have taken you. So you don't look back at a junction in life that you wish you'd taken left instead of right.