Self Esteem

They say that if you were to walk past yourself in the street, you wouldn't recognise yourself. Everyone has a very distorted image of themselves. I didn't believe this, until I saw this photo:

Its not a special photo. I'm frowning for goodness sake. It's me accidentally in a piccie that Mother was taking of an old car at a vintage car convention down on our local beach just after I had got home for the summer. I had just thrown some clothes on that I thought was fairly suitable to be seen in and put my hair up in a messy bun. I hadn't seen these photos until about a week ago when Mother was showing them to a family friend....I was looking and all of a sudden I blurted out "omg that' s me!!"

I didn't recognise myself.

I have mentioned in a past post that I am happy with the way I look. I am, most of the time. Some days I think urgh I look so fat or why are my arms so flabby? or even I've been going to the gym for ages, I can't see any changes! but just because I have bad days doesn't mean I'm not confident with the way I look. It has taken me years and years for me to get to this place. I haven't like the way I looked since the age of about 11 when I started secondary school. It didn't help that I was such a fussy eater that I only ate junk food. If someone said that I looked beautiful, I didn't believe them because I thought that they had to say it.
Even when at the age of 16 when I lost so much weight and I dropped down to 7st 8, I still thought I looked too fat. It was a really unhealthy relationship with my body and with myself.

Now, however, I've been working out, I've been going to the gym for about a year, doing various different exercises (yoga, tai chi, weight lifting, running, cycling, swimming....) and I've come to like my body.

BUT

I feel that in today's society, so many people don't like the way they look, that I am almost afraid of saying that I look and feel good in the fear of someone thinking that I think too much of myself or something. I realised recently that in the past, I felt like I couldn't like the way I looked. 

Think of it like this: if you've worked really hard on a painting, then you're obviously going to be proud of it and you're going to want to show it to others and tell people, aren't you? It's the same with me, it's not as if I'm going to start running around naked, but why should I put myself down, after years of doing so, when I'm proud of all the hours I've spent at the gym?

When I look in the mirror, I no longer look at my flaws, I brush past them. I see hard work that I've been putting in is starting to pay off. I look at what is good about me, what I think others might like about me, and best of all, when I get dressed, I accentuate my features.

If you're walking down the street, you don't see people and think "oooh their arms are a little flabby" or "urgh they're clearly having a fat day today" do you? (if you do, then...um....not really sure where to go from here.....) You're more likely to think "wow, look at their bum, that's a great bum" or "their hair is so shiney", right?

Why don't you do that about yourself?

Changed for the Better

I'm currently (attempting) to pack up my room, as another year in college is over, and it's soon time for me to move back home for the summer, before embarking on my brand new adventure next year.

Anyways, I can't help but to reflect on the past year. So much has happened, and I really feel like I have grown as a person.

If you knew me this time last year, I was a shell of a person, I was in such an unreachable, dark place. I was having panic attacks every other day, I'd pushed all of my friends away and they thought I was going mental. I laugh about it now.

I have made amazing friends this year, as well as become much closer to some that I already knew. I realised early on that I could hand-pick everyone in my life, which gave me a massive sense of control over those who influenced me. Each and every person in my life right now each has their personal little hand print on my life and the person I am right now. I admire each of them in their own way, whether it being due to their faith, their ability to always pick themselves up, their strength, their ability to always make friends, their infinite amount of wisdom, and the little ways they show they care. I'm not going to name names, but they all hopefully know who they are. I am so blessed to have them in my life, and I wouldn't wish to have it other way.

Also, as I mentioned above, I feel like I've grown so much as a person this year. I am not afraid what others think of me, as I absolutely do not believe in changing myself for other people. My confidence is at an all time high, and I think this has had an affect on my work, playing and relationships with others. I am finally happy for the first time in my life with the way my body looks. I've been looking after it and I've been going to the gym so much more. I think this is the first time in my life I have ever been okay with the way I look, and so it just shows how much my mindset has changed for the better this year.

I am just really happy at the moment, and I am so excited to see where my life takes me. This may be a little ramble-y and not really making much sense, but I just wanted to share with you guys how happy I am with where I am in life. I finally have some sort of direction now, whereas before I was just wandering aimlessly in the giant world. I have a goal that I'm working towards for my post-college life, and although those closest to me know what it is, I'll share with the rest of you at a later date, as it is still something quite personal to me and I'd like to share it when I know more for definite.

There are some things that I'm not currently happy with in my life (a lack of a love life........sigh), but the things that are happening at the moment really make up for it. I do still get little panic attacks, and I have my off days where I just eat chocolate and pig out and cry in front of The Notebook, but that's just normal, right?

What If?

Do you ever stop and think "how did my life lead me here?" I do. 

I wonder what my life would be like if my Parents hadn't of moved me to Wales at the age of 4. I definitely wouldn't be speaking Welsh. Would I still be doing music? Who knows. I might have stuck with doing languages, but would I be any good with them even though I didn't speak Welsh?

What if I hadn't of fallen off the beam when I was 7? Would I have carried on doing gymnastics? I could have been training for the Olympics. I certainly started young enough. Then I may not have done music at all as I would have been too busy swinging off the bar or jumping off the vault.

What if I had never picked up the oboe? Would I still be attempting (badly) the violin because I didn't know that there was another instrument calling to me. I probably would have studied something different in university. I may be reading a serious subject like history, or studying to be a medic. Who knows.

What if my Parents hadn't of moved me to France at the age of 10? Would I still have the itchy feet that want to lead me onto an adventure? Would I have just stayed being a homebody, simply because the seed of different cultures hadn't been planted?

What if I had gone to a girls school at the age of 12, like I had originally planned. I would never have become such good friends with the people in my music service. I would never have had the relationships I did, but would I have branched out from the girls school bubble? Who knows.

What if I had decided to stay in my comprehensive school for sixth form? Would I have made it to music college? Probably not. I would be a completely different person. I probably wouldn't have got the grades I wanted to get into university as I wouldn't have worked as hard as I did. I may have gone travelling the world, or stayed at home and started a business. 

What if I had decided to go to a different Music College? I would be surrounded by different people, living in a different city, and have a different teacher. Would I have thrived or would I have hated it so much I quit?

What about the smaller stuff? Would my life have taken a slightly different course if I had decided to have an apple instead of a banana with my lunch yesterday? 

Let's look bigger now, look at the most successful people who have ever lived. What if Steve Jobs had never started Apple? What if Walt Disney hadn't of been rejected from a magazine for "laimagination"? Imagine a world without Apple or Disney. I wouldn't be sat in College writing this on my ipad because it wouldn't exist, and what film would I have watched last night if Tangled had never been written?

Thinking of all the 'What Ifs' in your life can make someone go mad. I'm beginning to go a bit doolally thinking about it all. However, every single one of these paths were determined by choices. Nothing about your life is out of your control, and every tiny choice you make has an effect on the way you live. So maybe next time you're faced with a difficult decision, plan the different lives that your choices can take you. If you begin to feel that you'd constantly be thinking "What If", then do it. Why not? The most important thing is that you don't live life with any regrets, so that when you're old you can look back fondly the path your choices have taken you. So you don't look back at a junction in life that you wish you'd taken left instead of right.