Romantic Confidence

Credit

My most popular post on here is Romantic Expectations, but after a few things have happened to me that I'm going to share with you, I've realised that sometimes you have to take the future of your love life into your own hands.

As most girls will understand the excruciating pain of liking a guy, but not being sure if they don't like you back, so therefore don't want to risk rejection by telling them.

I have changed a lot this year. I have grown in confidence and I like the person I am (apart from the extra six pounds that appeared over the summer. I don't like them). There is nothing wrong with having the confidence to tell someone how you are feeling.

There's this guy, right, who I get along with. Really, really well. Everyone said that there was something between us. I'd liked him on and off since I'd known him, and even when I didn't like him, I was very attracted to him. So one day, I was in the gym, pumping the iron, and I'd worked myself up to tell him, I told him everything, and he politely said that he didn't feel the same. We are still the bestest of friends and we very much respect each other. It also gave me the freedom to move on and to accept that nothing ever will happen. I'm not sorry about it, I told him the truth and I wasn't particularly sad when he didn't feel the same either. It was more of an inner-peace.
To be honest, I don't think we'd make a great couple anyways.....

ON THE OTHER HAND:

There's this other guy, right, that I had also had a thing for. (I've been single for the most part of a year, don't judge me!!!) I had accepted that nothing was going to happen a long time ago. Still, a girl can dream, right? Anyway, we were at a party together and were chatting and flirting away. I just came out and told him, and he said that he felt the same. Unfortunately as I'm moving to Prague on saturday (aaaaargh) nothing could happen. I am so glad that I told him and he told me, but I know that if I hadn't of said it first, neither of us would have been any of the wiser.

I didn't tell them that I was declaring my undying love to them, if any of you get the wrong idea.... I just told them honestly how I'd been feeling. That I'd liked them for a while. Simple. :)

I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you like someone, go for it. It doesn't matter what happens after, but you're doing this for you and no one else. I am a very strong believer in "if it's meant to be" and it will be, but sometimes you just have to take that one leap of faith to take control of your destiny.

Things That Make Me Happy

 I woke up this morning in a foul mood. Don't know why, but I was all (as the welsh say) cyntachu. There is no translation for that word. Sorry.
I did nothing differently this morning, but nothing seemed to be going right.

So I thought I'd make a list of all the small day-to-day things I am grateful for, and the things that give me pleasure in life:

my favourite shower gel | reading | oboe | playing something right | late night phone calls | cwtches | cute texts | dinner with friends | film nights | exploring new places | tidy rooms | my harry potter t-shirt | listening to music | having me-time | baking | fancy dress | food | knitting | yoga | writing letters | receiving letters | doing right in the world | little victories | family time | travelling | my hair looking good without effort | finding bargains in charity shops | chivalry | tea | smiling | disney | bubble baths | parcels | cinema trips | smell of pages | cats

view from my kitchen

Possibly the coolest cat ever

What makes you happy? :)

Self Esteem

They say that if you were to walk past yourself in the street, you wouldn't recognise yourself. Everyone has a very distorted image of themselves. I didn't believe this, until I saw this photo:

Its not a special photo. I'm frowning for goodness sake. It's me accidentally in a piccie that Mother was taking of an old car at a vintage car convention down on our local beach just after I had got home for the summer. I had just thrown some clothes on that I thought was fairly suitable to be seen in and put my hair up in a messy bun. I hadn't seen these photos until about a week ago when Mother was showing them to a family friend....I was looking and all of a sudden I blurted out "omg that' s me!!"

I didn't recognise myself.

I have mentioned in a past post that I am happy with the way I look. I am, most of the time. Some days I think urgh I look so fat or why are my arms so flabby? or even I've been going to the gym for ages, I can't see any changes! but just because I have bad days doesn't mean I'm not confident with the way I look. It has taken me years and years for me to get to this place. I haven't like the way I looked since the age of about 11 when I started secondary school. It didn't help that I was such a fussy eater that I only ate junk food. If someone said that I looked beautiful, I didn't believe them because I thought that they had to say it.
Even when at the age of 16 when I lost so much weight and I dropped down to 7st 8, I still thought I looked too fat. It was a really unhealthy relationship with my body and with myself.

Now, however, I've been working out, I've been going to the gym for about a year, doing various different exercises (yoga, tai chi, weight lifting, running, cycling, swimming....) and I've come to like my body.

BUT

I feel that in today's society, so many people don't like the way they look, that I am almost afraid of saying that I look and feel good in the fear of someone thinking that I think too much of myself or something. I realised recently that in the past, I felt like I couldn't like the way I looked. 

Think of it like this: if you've worked really hard on a painting, then you're obviously going to be proud of it and you're going to want to show it to others and tell people, aren't you? It's the same with me, it's not as if I'm going to start running around naked, but why should I put myself down, after years of doing so, when I'm proud of all the hours I've spent at the gym?

When I look in the mirror, I no longer look at my flaws, I brush past them. I see hard work that I've been putting in is starting to pay off. I look at what is good about me, what I think others might like about me, and best of all, when I get dressed, I accentuate my features.

If you're walking down the street, you don't see people and think "oooh their arms are a little flabby" or "urgh they're clearly having a fat day today" do you? (if you do, then...um....not really sure where to go from here.....) You're more likely to think "wow, look at their bum, that's a great bum" or "their hair is so shiney", right?

Why don't you do that about yourself?

Changed for the Better

I'm currently (attempting) to pack up my room, as another year in college is over, and it's soon time for me to move back home for the summer, before embarking on my brand new adventure next year.

Anyways, I can't help but to reflect on the past year. So much has happened, and I really feel like I have grown as a person.

If you knew me this time last year, I was a shell of a person, I was in such an unreachable, dark place. I was having panic attacks every other day, I'd pushed all of my friends away and they thought I was going mental. I laugh about it now.

I have made amazing friends this year, as well as become much closer to some that I already knew. I realised early on that I could hand-pick everyone in my life, which gave me a massive sense of control over those who influenced me. Each and every person in my life right now each has their personal little hand print on my life and the person I am right now. I admire each of them in their own way, whether it being due to their faith, their ability to always pick themselves up, their strength, their ability to always make friends, their infinite amount of wisdom, and the little ways they show they care. I'm not going to name names, but they all hopefully know who they are. I am so blessed to have them in my life, and I wouldn't wish to have it other way.

Also, as I mentioned above, I feel like I've grown so much as a person this year. I am not afraid what others think of me, as I absolutely do not believe in changing myself for other people. My confidence is at an all time high, and I think this has had an affect on my work, playing and relationships with others. I am finally happy for the first time in my life with the way my body looks. I've been looking after it and I've been going to the gym so much more. I think this is the first time in my life I have ever been okay with the way I look, and so it just shows how much my mindset has changed for the better this year.

I am just really happy at the moment, and I am so excited to see where my life takes me. This may be a little ramble-y and not really making much sense, but I just wanted to share with you guys how happy I am with where I am in life. I finally have some sort of direction now, whereas before I was just wandering aimlessly in the giant world. I have a goal that I'm working towards for my post-college life, and although those closest to me know what it is, I'll share with the rest of you at a later date, as it is still something quite personal to me and I'd like to share it when I know more for definite.

There are some things that I'm not currently happy with in my life (a lack of a love life........sigh), but the things that are happening at the moment really make up for it. I do still get little panic attacks, and I have my off days where I just eat chocolate and pig out and cry in front of The Notebook, but that's just normal, right?

Romantic Expectations

It has recently come to my attention that I think I may have fairly high expectations of the male gender. You know why this is? Chick flicks. And Disney.

I was sat watching What Happens in Vegas the other day, you know, the one with Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher (who is mighty fine in that film, I'd like to add), and as in every chick flick, darling Ashton upsets Cameron and she goes running off to sit on an island and he goes running after her. I don't think that happens in real life. I've never had Ashton Kutcher come running after me when I'm feeling a little sad.... I WISH. But seriously, every time a boy has upset me, or has broken up with me, there is a little part of me that hopes and dreams and wishes that he will come and do a great big Romantic Gesture. And he never has.

I remember when my first proper boyfriend and I broke up, he told me months later that he regretted the decision as soon as he woke up the next morning, and I told him that there was nothing I wanted more than to hear a knock on the door and to see his face. He told me that there were some days he just wanted to get on a bus to see me and to beg for my forgiveness. But he didn't. (If you're reading this....it's ok, I forgive you!!!!)

Take my sixth-form May Ball for example. I went to an all girls school, but the May Ball was for the students of my school and the boys school down the road. I wasn't particularly close with any of the guys to be honest, but there was still a little part of me that hoped and dreamed that when I arrived at the reception area there'd be a boy standing there with a corsage for me and declaring his undying love. It didn't happen.

Or, you know, everyone has that person who is a friend, but sort of more than a friend, as you can definitely sort of see something maybe happening with them, but you're not really sure how they feel (great English there, Harri). Well, I'm just saying that it would be nice if they announced in a lovely heart-warming manner that they feel the same about you. It will probably never happen.

I don't know why I bring about these expectations and hopes and dreams upon myself, because at the end of the day, no one is going to get hurt except me. Is it too much to ask though, to have one boy to do something really romantic and throw pebbles at my window, or to come find me if I was on holiday in Berlin or somewhere, or even plan out this great big surprise visit with all my friends and when I walk through the door they pick me up and announce that what he did was wrong, and he's sorry etc, like they do in the films.

I'm a complete hopeless romantic, I'm totally in love with the idea of true love, and I believe that my soul mate is walking around right now, maybe thinking these thoughts too. Perhaps I've already met them. That thought is really thrilling. I would be willing to do all of those things that I've listed above, but there's one thing that holds me back. The fear of rejection. Can you imagine, if I went to a lot of trouble to tell someone how I'm feeling and they turned around and said "Harri, I don't feel the same, but I hope we can stay friends". It's as if someone would have stabbed me in the heart, and just twisted the knife around to make sure that it hurt real good. Maybe people have had these thoughts about me, but aren't sure whether to act upon it.

If you have these ideas, or want to tell someone how you feel, then please, just do it. More often than not, the other person will really appreciate it, and they will hopefully reciprocate those feelings.

I don't know, maybe it's me, maybe I've watched one too many films, listened to too many musicals, sang too much Taylor Swift, read too many books and have this unrealistic expectation of men. Or maybe, this is what I'd like to believe - I just haven't met the right boy yet.

(I've also just realised that this may backfire and no boy will ever want anything to do with me ever again because they'll believe that they'll never live up to my expectations. To be honest, unless you're a perfect mix of Harry Potter, Peeta Mellark, Captain Antonio Corelli and Mr Fitzwilliam Darcy, Kristoff from Frozen or Eugene Fitzherbert, you won't, but please don't let that put you off.)

Review | The Fault In Our Stars

The Fault In Our Stars, by Mr John Green, has been #1 on the New York Times Children's Best Seller's List, #1 on the Amazon Best Seller's List, and has had an amazing reaction from fans all over the cyberworld. However, I am not usually one to read a book simply because it's popular. I'm not sure why, I seem to get it into my head that because so many people are reading it, then it can't be that good. Please don't ask me how my brain has managed to come to that conclusion, I have no idea. But yeah, the jist is, I tend to avoid reading the currently popular books.

Many, many, many people had insisted that I must read TFIOS and that it would make me sob like a baby. As many of my friends know that I cry at every single emotion. Happiness, sadness, anger, frustration, fear, shock, laughter. You name it, my reaction would probably be to have tears sprouting from my
eyes. And I cry in practically every film. Another reason why I wasn't particularly drawn to read it. Why would I want to read a book that would make me bawl like a baby?

Anyway, there was one day I was making a large Amazon book haul, I saw that the book was £3.85 so I figured, what the heck? It was added to the basket, and two weeks later it was on my doorstep. Last weekend I went to London, and I thought I'd take it for some easy reading on the train. It was very easy to read, I very much enjoyed Mr John Green's style of writing as it is not dissimilar to his way of speaking on his vlogs, which I try and watch every week. I finished it in a day.

"The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves" - William Shakespeare.

I'm going to assume that this is the quote that inspired the title of this book. I can see that Mr John Green has used the quote almost ironically, as the tragic love story between Hazel Grace Lancaster and Augustus Waters is very much written in the stars and it is fate what is happening to them and there is nothing that can be changed about it.

Here is where my opinion may be a little different to the majority of people.....I wasn't that overly impressed it. The story, in my opinion, is a little so-so, and I feel that it got the attention it received because the story was centred around cancer. I didn't sob like people had promised. I did get a little lump in my throat, but I was completely dry-eyed for the entire book. I found the main character a little irritating, constantly comparing herself to a fictional character of her favourite book, and to be honest, I think I would have preferred to know the story from Gus's point of view (although I can see how that wouldn't quite work.....)

They fell in love in what seemed like 5 minutes, and they are of the ages of 16 and 17. I'm sorry, but it is highly unlikely that what they were feeling was indeed True Love, and even if [SPOILER ALERT] Gus hadn't died at the end, the relationship probably would not have lasted for a long time. I may be wrong, but I couldn't help think this with every sentence that I read.

I spoke to a very good friend of mine, and although she hadn't read the book, she said that one of the reasons why the story is so popular is due to the romantic and tragic notion of the two protagonists suffering from this disease and the inevitability of death. However, don't you think that this may be romanticising a dreadful disease like cancer?

I am terribly sorry to my dear friends who had recommended me to read TFIOS to read, but it had very high expectations, and the book simply did not live up to them.

If you have any opinions that you would like to share with me, then please feel free to discuss them in the comments below.

Lazing on a Sunny Afternoon

Yesterday, I woke up with a feeling of dread - it was the morning of a couple of Exams. (Dictation and group improvisation, in case you wondered.) These are a few of my weakest areas in the study of Music, so naturally, I felt apprehensive. I picked up my iPad, to check any emails I may have received during the night, and found an email from my lecturer saying that he was unwell. No exam! Hooray! I lolled about in bed for a while, deliberating this new freedom I had for the day.

At around 9am I decided to get up and begin the day. It was beautiful outside, the sun was shining and the birds were chirruping. A gorgeous, crisp, spring morning. I wandered into the kitchen where Flatty H was making her breakfast and I announced that there was no exam. She handed me a cup of tea in excitement, and ran up to Flatty B's room to share this fantastic news.

It was here we all wondered what to do with our day. Both Flatties didn't have to be in College until around 4pm, which was when I left for work. It was suggested that we go to the tea and cake shop up the road which we had been meaning to go to since we moved in. It was decided - we must go. It would be a shame to waste such a beautiful day.

I went for a run in the park, did a couple of laps and went home. It was not only sunny, but it was warm. I got home, and for the first time in ages, all three of us had lunch together. Flatty H and I made some sweet potato fries to go with our chicken/fish/veggie pie, and some beans. Yum.

After about an hour of enjoying each other's company, we ambled out into the sun for our Cake Date. Such excitement was bestowed upon us.We wandered into the empty shop and were greeted warmly with the pleasant site of cake, cake and more cake. So many decisions to be made. Cupcake or slice? Brownie or rocky road? Plain or exciting? I settled for a cup of lemon tea and a Malteser cupcake, Flatty B had a blueberry cake and a cookies and cream milkshake, and Flatty H had a giant slice of Red Velvet cake and a hot chocolate.

It was joked that I kept scrounging their cakes/drinks from them, but I couldn't help it - I wanted to try as much as I could! We were there for about an hour, and it most definitely won't be the last time we visit. 

It was a wonderful day spent with Flatties, and days like this are very special and close to my heart as I am blessed with two wonderful friends. It's nice every now and then to take a day off from the day job/College/life and spend it bantering, catching up and enjoying the company of your dear chums. 

Flatties and cakes. (The best things in life)

Much filter, very book, such bricks. (Ironic hipstery)

The End of a Relationship

What I don't understand about the end of a relationship is that it is almost expected in today's society to break up and then to never talk to each other again. Full stop. The end.

That is not how I think it should be. In today's society, it's almost considered weird when two people break up and stay friends. But if you think about it, it makes so much more sense that way. Surely, you'd think that two people who care(d) so much about each other, would still care about the other at some level, even after the relationship is over. In the very wise words of Carrie Bradshaw "But if you love somone and you break up, where does all the love go?". Couldn't have put it better myself.

How is it that two people who were once, at some point, the other's world, their everything, can you go from telling each other everything one day, breaking up the next, and then never speaking to them? That's the part I find the hardest. Its the fact that they were willing to open up to them and tell them every single little thing, and then breaking up, knowing that the other knew all these things about them.

If you break up badly, and don't talk it through properly, then the after effects can be messy which then causes people to never speak again ever. Full stop. The end. This may result in one half of the party telling some of their friends the things that they told them in confidence, and the other half would find out. That's messy. In my opinion, it really isn't needed.

I've had my fair share of messy breakups, but I remember, at the end of my first relationship when I was 14, (despite it not being the most serious relationship ever), we stayed friends and although we both needed our space for a few months, when he found out that someone wasn't being very nice to me, I remember him being so angry and texting me to make sure that I was alright. He even helped me through my first messy break up. We've grown apart now, but that I am ever thankful to him for not making my life difficult.

As mentioned before, after my first messy breakup which was dragged out over months and months and despite it ending up with the both of us blocking the other on facebook, we're good pals now! We didn't speak for about 8 or 9 months, and I remember I found him on tumblr, and I thought I'd say hello. We stayed up all night that night, talking about our lives and the reasons why our relationship had ended, and since then, although we're not close, we still talk. (Hi, if you're reading.....) It's not even a little bit weird, and I feel completely comfortable going to him if I have an issue, because although he might not be the person who knows me the best now, he was at one point.

I just find it really upsetting when someone says they regret a relationship, or they break up really badly, because:

1. never regret anything. I am a strong believer that all your experiences, good or bad, shape who you are at this very moment. Instead of usnig the word "regret" try using the word "learnt". If you believe that you regret something, try thinking about what you learnt, and how you can use that past experience to your advantage in the future.
2. If you're mature enough to be in a relationship, you can be mature enough to deal with the emotional consequences of both parties if/when you break up. It's all over the TV that you feel like you have to 'take sides'. Why not take a step back, look at the relationship and the other person from an outsider's point of view, and think "how can I make this better?", or "if my friends were in this situation, what advice would I give them?" or even put yourself in your other half's shoes, and try to understand why they're behaving how they are. Are they angry at you? Do they still love you? Are they trying to move on with their life and you're stopping them? 

Although, you can't force anyone into thinking this way. Through experiencing my own break ups, and observing others, usually, it takes both parties having a similar outlook on the end of the relationship to remain friends and to not let the fact that you may not want to kiss and cuddle any more, but that they are still there for you as a friend. 

Friendships

I find the nature of friendships fascinating. Since I was born I've moved house countless times (there was a time between the ages of 14 and 16 where I joked I was homeless as my family kept moving between 3 houses), and I've moved schools 7 times, including going to College.

I began in nursery in Surrey, then moved to Wales were I attended an all welsh school (being a 4 year old from England, in one of the Welshest part of Wales not being able to speak a word of welsh isn't easy). I stayed here until I was 10, when my parents dragged me out to live in France for 6 months and I attended school here), I moved back to Wales ready for Year 6. Then when it was time for high school, I went to the place where the majority of my class was going; an all welsh high school. I regretted this almost immediately and after a few issues, I convinced my parents to move me for year 8 to a bi-lingual school. I stayed here until 6th form, where I moved to an all-girls boarding school before finally moving to Manchester to go to Music College. Mixed in with the various schools, I've had musical commitments, I attended a Saturday stage school, and was in the Girl Guding family for 10 years.

What I'm trying to say is that I've had many friends over the years. 

But what I find interesting, is how they come and go, and how do you know that you've found a friend for life or if they are what I call a "friend for convenience". I know this isn't the most pleasant way of calling a friend, and I often haven't worked them out until after I've left them. We all have them, the friends that we look back on and think "actually, I was only friends with them because they were there and I saw them every day" and you realised that you never really saw them outside of school or whatnot. 

Friends come and go, we all know that. In my first secondary school, I was bullied pretty bad which was one of the reasons I left. When I did leave, I felt that I had no friends whatsoever in that school, ironically, two of my closest friends went to that school, and I believe (and hope) that they'll both be my friends for life. Granted, one of them did go to my primary school, and there's a running joke between my primary school classmates that we have unusually close relationship. There were 27 of us in the class, and if i saw any one of these in the street we'd exchange an "aright?" as if I saw them yesterday and I was going to see them tomorrow, even if I haven't seen them in about 2 years, because (I only speak for myself here) I feel so comfortable with them that I don't feel I need to say anything more. Don't get me wrong, I love meeting up with them and having a proper catchup, but one of them once said "I think we have a special bond cause we all went to primary together" and I completely agree.

Through having all these changing people in my life, I've come to realise that friendships are often a two-way relationship. It takes equal effort on both parties two make a relationship work. Sometimes, I have lost friends because I realised that it was me making all the effort, and although it always upsets me losing a friend, I have never regretted it. I always try and have people in my life who enrich it, and who want me in their life. 

Others, I've just lost contact as we've both gone away to university, or they've moved country, but I know that if I were to call them up, it would be as if we haven't not spoken at all and we'd yabber on as if no time has passed whatsoever. My best friend and I from sixth form are a bit like this. I can text her the day before and say "can I stay with you tomorrow night?" and it's fine. We text each other the most stupidest things, even if we haven't spoken in weeks, and I can't wait until she comes and visits me in May! 

Weirdly enough, the people I am closest to are the people I don't seem to see every day. I best friend, Cariad, lived in Surrey with me. When I moved to Wales, we pretty much lost contact apart from Christmas and birthday cards and such, until one Christmas. She sent a card when we were 11 with her msn address, so naturally I went and added her straight away. Since then we've spoken non stop and I can tell her everything and anything, and I know I'll have her support no matter what, and I'd do anything for her too. But we also both know that if I had stayed in Surrey, we highly doubt that we'd be as good friends now. 

Walking around College, I see my friends (old and new) and I wonder if those that I fell out with will ever see past what happened (see the Boy Troubles pat below) and I wonder if I'll still talk to my friends in 20 years time. My best friend in College, I don't know what I'd do without her. She's the one person here that will tell me the truth, even if I don't want to hear it. I really do hope that I stay in contact with everyone from College. 

I look at all the people who've been in my life, and it know that I wouldn't be the person I am now if even one of those people hadn't been there. I think of them sometimes and I wonder if they think of me. Each person has helped me become the person I am, and I am so very grateful to each and every one of them.